Chad Muska

What does freedom mean to you?

There are two moments of freedom in my life where I’ve felt truly free. The first was when I ran away from home and had a dream of becoming a professional skateboarder. I left with nothing besides a backpack on my back and a dream. No money, no plan, except that I wanted to be a professional skateboarder. I got a ride to San Diego and that was the most free I’d ever felt in my life. I was like, ‘Okay, I can do this. I know I can do it’, and I went for it. There was the most intense feeling of freedom, with nothing but a dream.

I was able to accomplish the majority of my dreams throughout my life. I got to this point where I wasn’t in control of the dream anymore, the dream started to control me. Then something that I loved and did with all my heart – skateboarding and art and design and music and all these things – at some point became a job, so I lost that freedom.

Even though I worked for myself and did all these things I dreamed of doing, I still lost a sense of freedom along that journey. When I came here to this property [in Ohio] I abandoned everything again – my house in Hollywood, my girlfriend of seven years, all the business opportunities and things I had worked on in Los Angeles – I left it all to start over again here. And I felt that same way I did when I was that little kid sitting on the beach in San Diego, with the world ahead of me. Anything feels possible again.

What did it mean to you and how did it feel to make that decision to leave Hollywood?

It wasn’t an overnight or a one-time event thing that led to my sobriety. It was more of a series of events happening over time. I had a taste of fame with skateboarding, and with all sports that are physical with your body, there comes a time when there’s a younger kid who’s going to be better than you and outshine you. I had a good run at some of the top levels of skateboarding for a fairly long time, but eventually it started to wither away and the sponsorships started slowing down. Every time the contracts came up for negotiation it was less money. That was a really hard moment for me to grasp. I had to accept that I wasn’t the coolest kid on the block anymore. There were new skaters that were doing tricks I could never do.

There’s a high that you experience with any type of fame, be it the top of the level or the small [level]. If you lose some of that fame, it’s like coming down off a drug. Instead of facing that reality, it led me to partying more. I thought if I surrounded myself with those people, I would be on that level, but I was really just going further and further down. Then I started having embarrassing moments happen publicly with drinking. There were arrests, there was embarrassment to my friends and family. I knew deep down in my heart that I’m not that person, I’m not that crazy drunk guy. That’s not me, that’s some demon that comes out of me when I drink. I just knew that it wasn’t me anymore.

The last time I drank was at my ex-girlfriend’s birthday party and I made a fool out of myself. I got completely wasted and I was embarrassing her in front of all of her friends. I woke up the next day and realised, ‘I’m done, I can’t do this’. Some people can have a couple of drinks and they’re fine. I envy those people, because I can’t. I can’t have one glass of wine and relax. One glass of wine and next thing I know, four bottles are gone and I’ve got a wine circle around my face.

Alcohol triggers something in me that’s not me. If something had happened to me in that bad time period, I knew I was going to be remembered as that. That fear of being remembered that way saddened me deeply inside. I knew I needed to get my act together and get in control of my mind, my body, and my surroundings. It took getting sober to see that clarity.